Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Gloaming (The title has nothing to do with the post I just like that word)
As you can probably tell by my posting schedule IDDIUICDI and I have drifted apart. (Is it somehow poetic that the acronym for the title of my blog has DUI in it like 4 times? I think so yes.) We still love each other as friends, and we can sit together and watch hours of Law and Order in comfortable silence while eating tuna noodle casserole, but we've lost the spark. I'll still call IDDIUICDI when I need to gripe about the small Asian women who throw 'bows at H&M and my frustration surrounding people who eat but we've both changed, and we need something new. So for the foreseeable future anyone who cares can visit me here.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Neurons. Who needs 'em.
A C. Elegans Nematode worm has about 200 neurons. A human has anywhere from 10 - 100 billion. C. Elegan worms are a millimeter long and live for about 2 weeks. They eat, they poop, have sex, they reproduce and they die. Sometimes, if they worms are very lucky, they get captured by scientists and the scientist create little environments for them. Those worms get to poop, have sex, reproduce, navigate labyrinths and die. Sounds boring, right? I beg to differ. To my mind, those worms aren't doing a whole hell of a lot less than we humans do in a lifetime. Especially for those lab worms, I dare say they're actually getting a lot more done than many, maybe most people. So here is my question: what the FUCK are all of our extra neurons for? Okay, granted a worm can't do math. A worm can't drive or raise children or cook pad thai. Fuck they can't even see, but how many extra neurons does that take? If a worm can find another worm to have sex with and also make his way around a teeny tiny maze with only 200 neurons, I bet you it only takes about 5000 neurons to get through an 100 level sociology course at your average American college. I bet you can get an MBA with like 30,000. Maybe 100,000. I guarantee a entire human life can probably carried out very easily with 500,000. Or maybe I'm full of shit, and it would take WAY more neurons. But 100 billion? REALLY? I don't think we need that many. I think all of those extra neurons are up to no damn good. I think those extra neurons are the ones that create doubt and fear and resentment and jealousy and spite, and I for one don't want mine anymore. The extra ones, that is. I probably need about 10,000. I don't need to carry out any very high-level brain function. I'd like to be able to understand the plot of House, but it's pretty much the same every week so hopefully some of my neurons will hold onto what happened to Cameron and 13 last week. I wish I could donate some of my neurons to someone who would use them better. I wish I could give them to a cancer researcher, or a cop or one of the writers of Glee. Not to say that any of those people are dumb (well, Glee, Papa Don't Preach?? REALLY?)but I just know that I'm not using mine for any good purpose other than to create imaginary fights and problems and to talk myself out of doing all the things that I am capable of doing, so I'd like to give them to someone who would put them to better use. I recently heard an anecdote about people who were given lobotomies. All of their symptoms of depression and psychosis were gone, but when their brain chemistry was tested nothing had changed. It's not that they had actually been cured. Their dopamine was still super low. They were still very crazy, its just that the procedure had cause them to stop caring. It had disconnected one center of neurons from another center of neurons and the neurons couldn't gossip about how much everything sucks anymore. (I'm not really sure how a lobotomy works, but you get my driftu.) I feel like if I nixed a bunch of my neurons I'd just stop caring and stressing, and be able to live my life. Like a worm. Blissfully unaware of all the great societal pressures and stresses that we humans believe we have to bear because we have all of these extra neurons that need SOMETHING to do. As I write this I realize I'm proposing some serious sci-fi mind control shit. If you make the people dumb they won't ask any questions anymore and the powers that be can do as they please. Well, personally I'm fine with that. As long as I have enough neurons to get a cup of coffee in the morning and at least start a crossword puzzle that's gravy.
My next step is how to get rid of the errant neurons. I've tried the whole heavy drinking thing. They come back in the morning. With a vengeance. I'm told huffing glue kills some brain cells. But I don't even know where to buy industrial strength glue. Crack? I think I'm too dorky to buy it. Back to square one. I guess I'll go to bed, wake up tomorrow morning and start a new labyrinth. Stressing the fuck out as I do.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Scrooge McD
Whadddup muthafuckezzz. I'm back. And BOY HOWDY do I have some tales of retardation. But not all at once. We musn't give ourselves a tummy ache. I'll start with my most recent feat of Corky-like strength and I Am Sam-esque genius. (What did you say? Oh right. Nobody said anything because nobody's actually reading this.)
I'm currently without emplyoment. Which for the most part I love. I mean, I ain't got shit to do. I sit around all day and hang out with the dog. Scratch that...I yell at the dog for EATING MY MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS I ONLY HAVE LIKE 3 PAIRS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. But at any rate, my day-to-day is pretty cool. Except when I have the fear. And all the loathing. I've been drinking a lot more lately and the fear has been having a return tour at all the major metropolitan areas of my brain. And also some of the smaller venues that they play just for the fans.
F & L can get you to think and, in turn, DO some pretty effed up stuff. It's like going to bed Padma Lakshima from Top Chef and waking up that white bitch Kim, from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. It's all highs and lows. I was on one such low last week and was having a knife fight in my noggin about my finances. Which are totally fucked, bee tee dub. We've all been unemployed at one point or another, and if I know my fanbase.....gulp. Cricket. If I know myself I know that when I'm jobless I'll often peruse Ye Olde Craig's List looking for that magical job that doesn't require me to change out of my lime green sweat pants but will have me raking in the dough hand over fist. Well wouldn't you know I found it. "WORK FROM HOME MAKE TONS OF OF MONEY! YOU WON'T HAVE TO SEE FUCKING ASSHOLES FROM YOUR OFFICE THAT YOU GOT DRUNK WITH AND SAID AWKWARD SHIT TO! DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CAREER PATH? OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER? THIS JOB IS FOR YOU!" If you think I didn't try and contact the folks that posted this job you are fucking retarded, because I TOTALLY DID! About 14 seconds after I contacted the listing I got an email back which outlined how I could sign up for this "job" with only a minimal, one-time fee and have access to the potential for LIMITLESS WEALTH! I totally pictured myself as Scrooge McDuck when he dives into his swimming pool filled with coin. (I've pondered this idea a lot and have come to the conclusion that diving into pool full of coins would fucking kill. But Scrooge McD looks pretty dope in his bathing costume and thus it remains in my fantasy pile.)
I think you can pretty much see how the rest of this story goes, but maybe not because I doubt any of you have been STUUUPID enough to even click on one of these postings on Craig's List LET ALONE go to the site LET ALONE pay the $39.95 one-time, minimal sign up fee. But who's got 2 thumbs and is a total fucking shit show when she feels insecure about her life? DIS GUUYYYY!!!! I did it. I signed up and I paid. The fee allows you access to this database of surveys that you can fill out and get paid for your participation. I figured this would be a good plan for me because at one time in my life I was fucking phenomenal at doing a shit load of data entry type work wicked fast, albeit with very poor quality. I figured I could bang out a couple of dozen surveys a week and I'd be snorkeling with the guy who made the Girls Gone Wild videos by Thanksgiving. This, sadly, was not to be. As it turns out you have to qualify for the survey, and I guess when you lie about everything on the screening questions you don't really qualify for that many surveys. Who would have thunk? Also, a lot of the surveys are actually just free trials for term health insurance and smoking cessation aids which you get paid to sign up for. Fuck that. If I wanted to get all fucked up on some nicotine patches I'd get them the old fashioned way: hold up Duane Reade at gun point and steal them.
Signing up and paying for this shit is pretty dumb for the average bear. It's particularly retarded for someone such as mahself, considering my employment history. I actually worked for a company that required payment up front for using a database but made no guarantees that the database of shit that you just got access to would do dick all to advance your current status in life. I believe the term we used was "We give you all the tools..." the conclusion to that sentence is "we don't give a shit wether you use those tools to clamp your own nipples and fuck a goat as long as you pay us first." The website I signed up for made similar claims. They talked about how the most successful customers were the ones who signed up for the most surveys. (read: the people who gave the most traffic to the affiliates and get us paid.) They said that you only got out of the site what you put in. (read: you're not making money? That's your fault, shit brain.) I think I actually saw this coming a mile away, but in my f & l weaked state I needed a quick fix to my financial crisis and this site was just the $7 trillion bail out package my life needed. Good move, tard. So far I've made $6 taking surveys. I now see how these scam sites prey on the weak of mind and of life. Which is a good plan. This is why smart, unscrupulous people are rich and people with bad impluse control and no inheritance are poor. A fool and his money are soon parted? A black out drunk and her self-esteem are soon parted...with their money? How ever that saying goes. I now see that in order to actually make money you either have to do real work or something illegal.
So. In short, I have learned several things from this experience:
1.) I'm an asshole.
2.) Drinking makes me crazy.
3.) I will continue to drink, and act crazy until one of these hairbrained, cockamamie schemes actually works.
4.) I need to be less dorky and figure out something illegal to do.
I'm currently without emplyoment. Which for the most part I love. I mean, I ain't got shit to do. I sit around all day and hang out with the dog. Scratch that...I yell at the dog for EATING MY MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS I ONLY HAVE LIKE 3 PAIRS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. But at any rate, my day-to-day is pretty cool. Except when I have the fear. And all the loathing. I've been drinking a lot more lately and the fear has been having a return tour at all the major metropolitan areas of my brain. And also some of the smaller venues that they play just for the fans.
F & L can get you to think and, in turn, DO some pretty effed up stuff. It's like going to bed Padma Lakshima from Top Chef and waking up that white bitch Kim, from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. It's all highs and lows. I was on one such low last week and was having a knife fight in my noggin about my finances. Which are totally fucked, bee tee dub. We've all been unemployed at one point or another, and if I know my fanbase.....gulp. Cricket. If I know myself I know that when I'm jobless I'll often peruse Ye Olde Craig's List looking for that magical job that doesn't require me to change out of my lime green sweat pants but will have me raking in the dough hand over fist. Well wouldn't you know I found it. "WORK FROM HOME MAKE TONS OF OF MONEY! YOU WON'T HAVE TO SEE FUCKING ASSHOLES FROM YOUR OFFICE THAT YOU GOT DRUNK WITH AND SAID AWKWARD SHIT TO! DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CAREER PATH? OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER? THIS JOB IS FOR YOU!" If you think I didn't try and contact the folks that posted this job you are fucking retarded, because I TOTALLY DID! About 14 seconds after I contacted the listing I got an email back which outlined how I could sign up for this "job" with only a minimal, one-time fee and have access to the potential for LIMITLESS WEALTH! I totally pictured myself as Scrooge McDuck when he dives into his swimming pool filled with coin. (I've pondered this idea a lot and have come to the conclusion that diving into pool full of coins would fucking kill. But Scrooge McD looks pretty dope in his bathing costume and thus it remains in my fantasy pile.)
I think you can pretty much see how the rest of this story goes, but maybe not because I doubt any of you have been STUUUPID enough to even click on one of these postings on Craig's List LET ALONE go to the site LET ALONE pay the $39.95 one-time, minimal sign up fee. But who's got 2 thumbs and is a total fucking shit show when she feels insecure about her life? DIS GUUYYYY!!!! I did it. I signed up and I paid. The fee allows you access to this database of surveys that you can fill out and get paid for your participation. I figured this would be a good plan for me because at one time in my life I was fucking phenomenal at doing a shit load of data entry type work wicked fast, albeit with very poor quality. I figured I could bang out a couple of dozen surveys a week and I'd be snorkeling with the guy who made the Girls Gone Wild videos by Thanksgiving. This, sadly, was not to be. As it turns out you have to qualify for the survey, and I guess when you lie about everything on the screening questions you don't really qualify for that many surveys. Who would have thunk? Also, a lot of the surveys are actually just free trials for term health insurance and smoking cessation aids which you get paid to sign up for. Fuck that. If I wanted to get all fucked up on some nicotine patches I'd get them the old fashioned way: hold up Duane Reade at gun point and steal them.
Signing up and paying for this shit is pretty dumb for the average bear. It's particularly retarded for someone such as mahself, considering my employment history. I actually worked for a company that required payment up front for using a database but made no guarantees that the database of shit that you just got access to would do dick all to advance your current status in life. I believe the term we used was "We give you all the tools..." the conclusion to that sentence is "we don't give a shit wether you use those tools to clamp your own nipples and fuck a goat as long as you pay us first." The website I signed up for made similar claims. They talked about how the most successful customers were the ones who signed up for the most surveys. (read: the people who gave the most traffic to the affiliates and get us paid.) They said that you only got out of the site what you put in. (read: you're not making money? That's your fault, shit brain.) I think I actually saw this coming a mile away, but in my f & l weaked state I needed a quick fix to my financial crisis and this site was just the $7 trillion bail out package my life needed. Good move, tard. So far I've made $6 taking surveys. I now see how these scam sites prey on the weak of mind and of life. Which is a good plan. This is why smart, unscrupulous people are rich and people with bad impluse control and no inheritance are poor. A fool and his money are soon parted? A black out drunk and her self-esteem are soon parted...with their money? How ever that saying goes. I now see that in order to actually make money you either have to do real work or something illegal.
So. In short, I have learned several things from this experience:
1.) I'm an asshole.
2.) Drinking makes me crazy.
3.) I will continue to drink, and act crazy until one of these hairbrained, cockamamie schemes actually works.
4.) I need to be less dorky and figure out something illegal to do.
Friday, September 19, 2008
The Resurrection of B. Spears
The following essay is not meant to be blasphemous or scholarly. It’s simply an analysis of two historical figures which will seek to draw conclusions about how society deals and dealt with people in the public eye. Jesus Christ was born somewhere between the years 2 and 7 BC/BCE. Britney Spears was born on December 2, 1981. Jesus was the son of a carpenter, Spears the child of a former elementary school teacher and a building contractor. Nothing of their very early life would foretell of what was to come for these two people. However each would, in their own way, eventually become an icon for the culture in which they lived. Both would rise to a status which thrust them into the public eye. Both would reach a level of fame and notoriety few had accomplished before and both would eventually fall before their judges and meet their demise, be it literal or figurative. The following essay will draw logical connections between the lives of these two enigmatic and controversial characters, hopefully to discern the role the public played in their rise, fall and eventual resurrection.
The stories of both Britney and Jesus begin well before their respective baptism, but for our purposes we’ll begin there. Jesus was baptized in the desert by his distant cousin, John. It’s a source of controversy in the Catholic Church that Christ was baptized by John. The Gospel of Matthew recounts that John was hesitant to perform the baptism, and insisted that Jesus perform the rite. But Jesus persuaded John, and the ceremony marked the beginning of Jesus’ public ministry. Many member of the Catholic Church find it somewhat embarrassing that the future figurehead of the Christian church was baptized in the desert by a relative unknown.
Britney’s figurative baptism could be marked by her debut single, Baby One More Time. She was just 17 years old when it was released. As a teen in the music world, she sparked controversy with the video to that song and her naughty school girl costume. This song, and the album which would go platinum 14 times over, would mark her debut onto the international music scene. Britney began her career singing in the Baptist church of the town she grew up in. The song which marked her debut into the world of popular music caused quite a stir among the Church and other religious and conservative groups.
It’s the classic and cautionary tale of fame which tells of the temptation one encounters along the way. After Jesus was baptized he was lead out into the desert by God to fast for 40 days and 40 nights. During that time he was visited and tempted 3 times by the Devil. Each time he denied the temptation citing scripture of the Old Testament.
Britney was a virtual child in the entertainment industry. A sheep among wolves, if you will. Before she could really adjust to the fame she was caught up in the star-making machine. After her first album, she quickly followed up with another. She churned out hit after hit and was raking in money and fame hand over juvenile fist. It was inevitable that she would encounter temptation along the way. In 1999 she posed for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in a photo shoot by David LaChapelle. ‘The American Family Association charged that the pictures, which showed Spears in push-up bras and a minuscule pair of shorts with "Baby" in rhinestones on the bottom, presented a "disturbing mix of childhood innocence and adult sexuality" and asked that all "God-loving Americans" boycott stores carrying her albums’ (Wikipedia) At this point she also began dating Justin Timberlake, and despite her claims that she would remain a virgin until she was married she was reported to have had a sexual relationship with him.
This is where one distinct divergence between these two narratives arises: Denial v. acquiescence. Jesus was tempted by the Devil over and over during his time in the desert but he continually denied the temptation. Spears on the other hand seemed to barrel headlong into the temptations offered up by Hollywood and the music industry and wholeheartedly accept all which they had to offer.
Another key difference between Jesus and Britney could potentially help to explain the aforementioned point of denial v. acquiescence. Jesus had a very close inner circle of supporters. Firstly and most important Jesus always had God in his corner. At myriad points in the narrative of Jesus God comes to Jesus to offer support and encouragement. God is a tangible character in Jesus’ life and when Jesus is tested he has that presence to remind of the right path. Jesus also had a close-knight group of followers, the Apostles. Britney Spears was raised as a Southern Baptist. Some might say that she also had God in her corner, or so her preacher and church community might tell her, however that all gets pretty diluted when you’re uprooted from your family and moved thousands of miles away from that community. Britney had been a show-business kid well before she was actually in show business and that hectic lifestyle didn’t allow for much time for childhood friends, or close ones at the very least. Her family was probably her biggest supporters, but when fame and fortune comes knocking it’s anybody’s guess who will stick by you.
At the height of Jesus’ ministry he was preaching to audiences numbering in the thousands. For an itinerant priest, preaching to people hiding from persecution, that’s a pretty good crowd. Before Britney Spears she turned 20 in 2001, Spears had sold more than 37 million albums worldwide. Even at the height of their notoriety both Christ and Spears seemed drawn to a "questionable" element. Jesus often met with society's outcasts, such as the emperor's moneylenders. The Pharisees protested, saying that Jesus should spend his time preaching to the righteous. This was one of the very early cracks that began to form between the early followers of Jesus and mainstream Judaism.
In 2006 Britney Spears guest-starred on Will and Grace as a closeted lesbian. This role drew criticism from conservative Christian groups who were most likely already disillusioned by Miss Spears due to her sexually loaded stage performances and song lyrics. In 2004 Spears married her one-time backup dance, Kevin Federline who had recently been linked to actress Shar Jackson who was 8 months pregnant with their child.
These events and many more like them were fodder which would begin to fan the flame of disapproval that licked at the careers and lives of both Jesus and Spears. Both would be called upon to defend their actions to the world at large and both their lives would become public spectacle over which neither of them had very much control.
In the account given by the synoptic gospels, Jesus entered the city of Jerusalem during the Passover festival and created a disturbance at Herod’s temple by overturning the moneylender’s tables claiming that Herod had turned the temple into a “den of robbers” (Wikipedia and The Bible) He was later arrested by the temple guards and put to trial. He and his apostles were praying and in the garden of Gesthemane at the time of his arrest. The temple guards knew to arrest Jesus because one of his Apostles, Judas, had accepted payment to point him out. He signaled Jesus’ identity by kissing him on the cheek in sight of the guards. Jesus was put to trail, but Pilate, the governor found him guilty of no crime. He could not let him go free lest a riot ensue so he put the choice to the mob: they could vote to release one prisoner, the convicted murder Barabbas or Jesus. The crowd chose to release Barabbas. Jesus was to be executed.
On November of 2006 Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. From February of 2007 through September of 2007 Spears was in and out of various drug and alcohol treatment programs. As the legal battle over the custody of their children continued, many members of her entourage have been summoned to testify about her parenting skills. (Wikipedia) One such testimony came from one of Spears’ bodyguards “Fat” Tony Barretto which made allegations about her dangerous lifestyle and lackluster parenting abilities. Spears lost custody of her children to Federline on October 1, 2007.
Jesus was crucified by his peers on the Hill of Golgotha, and by all accounts died in the late afternoon. The details of Christs’ last day are gory and horrific to say the least. He suffered more physical, mental and spiritual torment than anyone should ever have to see in 1,000 lifetimes. After he finally died his body was moved to a tomb which was to be his final resting place.
Britney Spears suffered her own version of crucifixion. It may seem outrageous to draw a similarity between what Christ suffered and what Spears suffered, but to place the suffering of one human on a higher plane than the suffering of another human is a tricky thing. To make a judgment on the suffering of human beings necessarily says that one human life is more important than another. The vast majority of the human populace would say that Jesus Christ was more important than Britney Spears. At one time the vast majority of the human populace thought white people were more important than black people. The human populace is a strange entity.
At one point in her life Britney Spears was one of the most beloved and sought after performers in the history of music and stage. She was idolized by millions of teenagers and lusted after by probably billions of the denizens of the internet. After that she had two sons. She was wealthy and beautiful and she had at least two people in her life that for the time being would love her unconditionally. She had “it all”. But for whatever reason she felt the need to single-handedly destroy it. She lost her music career, she lost many of her fans and she lost her sons. Each day she would look in the mirror and see everything that she was and had and all that she had lost. And then she would turn on the TV and the radio and go on the internet and read a magazine and the newspaper and she would see it more. She was most likely and alcoholic and a drug addict. She may have suffered from mental illness. But it can be argued that at least the substance abuse was brought on by the pressure to stay at the dizzying levels that she had achieved and the mental illness could have been caused be falling from that height. I personally cannot imagine the suffering that this woman must have gone through. And the worst part, to my mind, was that it was her and her alone that got her to the top, and it was also her actions and hers alone that brought her down so low. On January 31st a judge placed Spears under co-conservatorship of her father James Spears and Attorney Andrew Wallette, giving them complete control of her assets. (Wikipedia)
During Jesus’ trail he was asked if he was the King of the Jews. His reply is ambiguous, and some gospels translate it as “It is as you say.” That was enough of an admission of guilt for the accusing priests and the public at large to warrant his crucifixion. Before he was crucified he was imprisoned and the Roman soldiers tortured him. As a joke on of the soldiers created a crown of thorns for him and placed it upon his head. The crown worn by the King of the Jews was created by someone else. The title King of the Jews was put in his mouth and his admission to hold that title was coerced and his words twisted.
Britney Spears was crowned the Princess of Pop by the media and the entertainment industry. With her impressive record sales, and Grammy award numbers it was a well deserved title. However, when her life started to go awry the same people that put the crown on her head were only too happy to throw it in her face later on. Just as Jesus’ title brought nothing but a painful crown and his ultimate death, Britney’s title, in the end came back to bring her nothing but the memory or what she was and the realization of what she had lost. It brought her to the moment of her ultimate spiritual and emotional crucifixion.
Needless to say, it’s a cognitive leap to assume the similarities between Jesus Christ and Britney Spears. But how much of the vast difference that we perceive between them is actual fact? How much of that was part of their actual life and how much of it was created by external factors? It’s possible to assume that the role that each of them plays in the world and history at large is nothing more than iconography created by society. Jesus became the icon of the Christians and Britney Spears became the icon of the evils of excess getting too much too fast. Vanessa Grigoriadis reported in "The Tragedy of Britney Spears" (2008), her cover story for Rolling Stone, that "more than any other star today, Britney epitomizes the crucible of fame for the famous: loving it, hating it and never quite being able to stop it from destroying you." Did either of them ever ask for these labels or roles? Jesus at no point ever actually called himself the King of the Jews, and Britney Spears, although she worked hard a tried to achieve fame and success at no point asked to become the epitome of the crucible of fame and success.
After Jesus was crucified and laid to rest in his stone tomb, a number of his apostles were headed to the town of Emmaus to eat dinner. Jesus appeared to them, but at first they could not properly see that it was him. Later while having supper at Emmaus "their eyes were opened" and they recognized him.
Recently pictures of Britney Spears began to surface in which she looked really good, more like her old self. The Britney Spears of In the Zone. Said the writer of The Superficial “Britney Spears hit up Vegas over the holiday weekend and, Jesus, she looks surprisingly awesome. I guess being deemed mentally unstable really does shed the pounds. Who knew? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to explain to my confused penis it's not 2001 again. At ease, soldier!” She has regained visitation rights to her 2 sons, and she’s successfully completed her treatment program. Spears was asked to appear at the VMAs, but a backup act was arranged in case Britney reverted to her old tricks. Britney appeared, looking beautiful and won 3 awards including Video of the Years.
“But, in all seriousness, I hope Britney Spears appreciates my enthusiasm. There's no greater compliment you can give a woman than "Hey, nice rack." Chivalry: it's what's for dinner.” – The Superficial
Later while having supper at Emmaus "their eyes were opened" and they recognized her.
The stories of both Britney and Jesus begin well before their respective baptism, but for our purposes we’ll begin there. Jesus was baptized in the desert by his distant cousin, John. It’s a source of controversy in the Catholic Church that Christ was baptized by John. The Gospel of Matthew recounts that John was hesitant to perform the baptism, and insisted that Jesus perform the rite. But Jesus persuaded John, and the ceremony marked the beginning of Jesus’ public ministry. Many member of the Catholic Church find it somewhat embarrassing that the future figurehead of the Christian church was baptized in the desert by a relative unknown.
Britney’s figurative baptism could be marked by her debut single, Baby One More Time. She was just 17 years old when it was released. As a teen in the music world, she sparked controversy with the video to that song and her naughty school girl costume. This song, and the album which would go platinum 14 times over, would mark her debut onto the international music scene. Britney began her career singing in the Baptist church of the town she grew up in. The song which marked her debut into the world of popular music caused quite a stir among the Church and other religious and conservative groups.
It’s the classic and cautionary tale of fame which tells of the temptation one encounters along the way. After Jesus was baptized he was lead out into the desert by God to fast for 40 days and 40 nights. During that time he was visited and tempted 3 times by the Devil. Each time he denied the temptation citing scripture of the Old Testament.
Britney was a virtual child in the entertainment industry. A sheep among wolves, if you will. Before she could really adjust to the fame she was caught up in the star-making machine. After her first album, she quickly followed up with another. She churned out hit after hit and was raking in money and fame hand over juvenile fist. It was inevitable that she would encounter temptation along the way. In 1999 she posed for the cover of Rolling Stone magazine in a photo shoot by David LaChapelle. ‘The American Family Association charged that the pictures, which showed Spears in push-up bras and a minuscule pair of shorts with "Baby" in rhinestones on the bottom, presented a "disturbing mix of childhood innocence and adult sexuality" and asked that all "God-loving Americans" boycott stores carrying her albums’ (Wikipedia) At this point she also began dating Justin Timberlake, and despite her claims that she would remain a virgin until she was married she was reported to have had a sexual relationship with him.
This is where one distinct divergence between these two narratives arises: Denial v. acquiescence. Jesus was tempted by the Devil over and over during his time in the desert but he continually denied the temptation. Spears on the other hand seemed to barrel headlong into the temptations offered up by Hollywood and the music industry and wholeheartedly accept all which they had to offer.
Another key difference between Jesus and Britney could potentially help to explain the aforementioned point of denial v. acquiescence. Jesus had a very close inner circle of supporters. Firstly and most important Jesus always had God in his corner. At myriad points in the narrative of Jesus God comes to Jesus to offer support and encouragement. God is a tangible character in Jesus’ life and when Jesus is tested he has that presence to remind of the right path. Jesus also had a close-knight group of followers, the Apostles. Britney Spears was raised as a Southern Baptist. Some might say that she also had God in her corner, or so her preacher and church community might tell her, however that all gets pretty diluted when you’re uprooted from your family and moved thousands of miles away from that community. Britney had been a show-business kid well before she was actually in show business and that hectic lifestyle didn’t allow for much time for childhood friends, or close ones at the very least. Her family was probably her biggest supporters, but when fame and fortune comes knocking it’s anybody’s guess who will stick by you.
At the height of Jesus’ ministry he was preaching to audiences numbering in the thousands. For an itinerant priest, preaching to people hiding from persecution, that’s a pretty good crowd. Before Britney Spears she turned 20 in 2001, Spears had sold more than 37 million albums worldwide. Even at the height of their notoriety both Christ and Spears seemed drawn to a "questionable" element. Jesus often met with society's outcasts, such as the emperor's moneylenders. The Pharisees protested, saying that Jesus should spend his time preaching to the righteous. This was one of the very early cracks that began to form between the early followers of Jesus and mainstream Judaism.
In 2006 Britney Spears guest-starred on Will and Grace as a closeted lesbian. This role drew criticism from conservative Christian groups who were most likely already disillusioned by Miss Spears due to her sexually loaded stage performances and song lyrics. In 2004 Spears married her one-time backup dance, Kevin Federline who had recently been linked to actress Shar Jackson who was 8 months pregnant with their child.
These events and many more like them were fodder which would begin to fan the flame of disapproval that licked at the careers and lives of both Jesus and Spears. Both would be called upon to defend their actions to the world at large and both their lives would become public spectacle over which neither of them had very much control.
In the account given by the synoptic gospels, Jesus entered the city of Jerusalem during the Passover festival and created a disturbance at Herod’s temple by overturning the moneylender’s tables claiming that Herod had turned the temple into a “den of robbers” (Wikipedia and The Bible) He was later arrested by the temple guards and put to trial. He and his apostles were praying and in the garden of Gesthemane at the time of his arrest. The temple guards knew to arrest Jesus because one of his Apostles, Judas, had accepted payment to point him out. He signaled Jesus’ identity by kissing him on the cheek in sight of the guards. Jesus was put to trail, but Pilate, the governor found him guilty of no crime. He could not let him go free lest a riot ensue so he put the choice to the mob: they could vote to release one prisoner, the convicted murder Barabbas or Jesus. The crowd chose to release Barabbas. Jesus was to be executed.
On November of 2006 Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. From February of 2007 through September of 2007 Spears was in and out of various drug and alcohol treatment programs. As the legal battle over the custody of their children continued, many members of her entourage have been summoned to testify about her parenting skills. (Wikipedia) One such testimony came from one of Spears’ bodyguards “Fat” Tony Barretto which made allegations about her dangerous lifestyle and lackluster parenting abilities. Spears lost custody of her children to Federline on October 1, 2007.
Jesus was crucified by his peers on the Hill of Golgotha, and by all accounts died in the late afternoon. The details of Christs’ last day are gory and horrific to say the least. He suffered more physical, mental and spiritual torment than anyone should ever have to see in 1,000 lifetimes. After he finally died his body was moved to a tomb which was to be his final resting place.
Britney Spears suffered her own version of crucifixion. It may seem outrageous to draw a similarity between what Christ suffered and what Spears suffered, but to place the suffering of one human on a higher plane than the suffering of another human is a tricky thing. To make a judgment on the suffering of human beings necessarily says that one human life is more important than another. The vast majority of the human populace would say that Jesus Christ was more important than Britney Spears. At one time the vast majority of the human populace thought white people were more important than black people. The human populace is a strange entity.
At one point in her life Britney Spears was one of the most beloved and sought after performers in the history of music and stage. She was idolized by millions of teenagers and lusted after by probably billions of the denizens of the internet. After that she had two sons. She was wealthy and beautiful and she had at least two people in her life that for the time being would love her unconditionally. She had “it all”. But for whatever reason she felt the need to single-handedly destroy it. She lost her music career, she lost many of her fans and she lost her sons. Each day she would look in the mirror and see everything that she was and had and all that she had lost. And then she would turn on the TV and the radio and go on the internet and read a magazine and the newspaper and she would see it more. She was most likely and alcoholic and a drug addict. She may have suffered from mental illness. But it can be argued that at least the substance abuse was brought on by the pressure to stay at the dizzying levels that she had achieved and the mental illness could have been caused be falling from that height. I personally cannot imagine the suffering that this woman must have gone through. And the worst part, to my mind, was that it was her and her alone that got her to the top, and it was also her actions and hers alone that brought her down so low. On January 31st a judge placed Spears under co-conservatorship of her father James Spears and Attorney Andrew Wallette, giving them complete control of her assets. (Wikipedia)
During Jesus’ trail he was asked if he was the King of the Jews. His reply is ambiguous, and some gospels translate it as “It is as you say.” That was enough of an admission of guilt for the accusing priests and the public at large to warrant his crucifixion. Before he was crucified he was imprisoned and the Roman soldiers tortured him. As a joke on of the soldiers created a crown of thorns for him and placed it upon his head. The crown worn by the King of the Jews was created by someone else. The title King of the Jews was put in his mouth and his admission to hold that title was coerced and his words twisted.
Britney Spears was crowned the Princess of Pop by the media and the entertainment industry. With her impressive record sales, and Grammy award numbers it was a well deserved title. However, when her life started to go awry the same people that put the crown on her head were only too happy to throw it in her face later on. Just as Jesus’ title brought nothing but a painful crown and his ultimate death, Britney’s title, in the end came back to bring her nothing but the memory or what she was and the realization of what she had lost. It brought her to the moment of her ultimate spiritual and emotional crucifixion.
Needless to say, it’s a cognitive leap to assume the similarities between Jesus Christ and Britney Spears. But how much of the vast difference that we perceive between them is actual fact? How much of that was part of their actual life and how much of it was created by external factors? It’s possible to assume that the role that each of them plays in the world and history at large is nothing more than iconography created by society. Jesus became the icon of the Christians and Britney Spears became the icon of the evils of excess getting too much too fast. Vanessa Grigoriadis reported in "The Tragedy of Britney Spears" (2008), her cover story for Rolling Stone, that "more than any other star today, Britney epitomizes the crucible of fame for the famous: loving it, hating it and never quite being able to stop it from destroying you." Did either of them ever ask for these labels or roles? Jesus at no point ever actually called himself the King of the Jews, and Britney Spears, although she worked hard a tried to achieve fame and success at no point asked to become the epitome of the crucible of fame and success.
After Jesus was crucified and laid to rest in his stone tomb, a number of his apostles were headed to the town of Emmaus to eat dinner. Jesus appeared to them, but at first they could not properly see that it was him. Later while having supper at Emmaus "their eyes were opened" and they recognized him.
Recently pictures of Britney Spears began to surface in which she looked really good, more like her old self. The Britney Spears of In the Zone. Said the writer of The Superficial “Britney Spears hit up Vegas over the holiday weekend and, Jesus, she looks surprisingly awesome. I guess being deemed mentally unstable really does shed the pounds. Who knew? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to explain to my confused penis it's not 2001 again. At ease, soldier!” She has regained visitation rights to her 2 sons, and she’s successfully completed her treatment program. Spears was asked to appear at the VMAs, but a backup act was arranged in case Britney reverted to her old tricks. Britney appeared, looking beautiful and won 3 awards including Video of the Years.
“But, in all seriousness, I hope Britney Spears appreciates my enthusiasm. There's no greater compliment you can give a woman than "Hey, nice rack." Chivalry: it's what's for dinner.” – The Superficial
Later while having supper at Emmaus "their eyes were opened" and they recognized her.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Way to Stop Committing
I got really drunk this weekend and now I have fear and loathing. Also, I arrived at work today and my boss shoveled a pile of shit-work on my head. In my alcohol induced malaise and my busy-work fueled rancor, I bring you Emo Post.
I've been thinking about the title of this blog a lot lately. In the past almost-year I've become a less violent and hateful towards most everything, so sometimes reading the word "destroy" on my own blog can give me a bit of a shock. Then I remember what I actually meant with the title. I was trying to say I don't do things I'm not good at for very long. The first post on this blog is about how if the blog "sucked" I'd stop posting. So then I got to thinking about the things that I'm really good at. The things that I "destroy". And I realize there really aren't that many. I'm good at working. I'm good at drinking. Not lately, but that's kind of like riding a wiggly, black-out bike. When I actually do commit myself to things I'm usually pretty good at them, but I haven't committed myself to very much so those things are few and far between. The reason I'm not good at anything is the title of this blog.
When I was growing up my intelligence was regarded much more highly than my work ethic. I actually have a superb work ethic (read: I'm a total fucking martyr) but that never mattered. I always thought that everything would just come really easily to me because I was smart. Whenever I was bad at something, or got a bad grade it was for some reason that I was always secretly proud. "My mind works faster than my mouth" - Why I spoke incredibly fast and had problems getting ideas across verbally. "I'm not good with details" - Why I would get As and Bs for content and F-s for punctuation, grammar and mechanics. "I work better under pressure" - my procrastination. The list goes on. I was always very willing to accept my faults as long I had this one ace in the hole, my intellect. Then I turned 12 and went to boarding school. That was no help either, because I got into almost every boarding school I applied to so OBVIOUSLY I was a genius. I realize after the fact that when you're one of two kids in a single parent household need-based scholarships and acceptance letters are pretty much par for the course. Basically, they needed to fill some poor kid quota. My grades were terrible in high school. I was on academic probation a lot. I always had to go to the library during study hall, because otherwise I'd sit in my dorm room and harass my roommate who was trying to get her shit done. She had realized the importance of hard work. She's a doctor now. My mom thought I was rebelling. I didn't think about it because my social life at the time was far more important to me than any fucking $20k education. I did get good grades in some classes, and those were the classes that I enjoyed. When I didn't like a class I just sucked at it or maybe I didn't like it because I sucked at it and didn't want to have to try.
That pattern held into my adult life. That little ego that had formed when I was young turned into a total fucking monster in and after college. I couldn't handle doing things that I was bad at because I was so terrified of being embarrassed and called out for my fraudulent genius. I loved Art History (read: was good at and didn't really have to try too hard) in high school and college, so I figured I'd get something in that field when I was done with school. I moved to NYC after graduation and half-assedly applied to some gallery and museum jobs. Then I went to an interview at a (non-art) company that told me I was going to be a super-star! It lined up perfectly with my secret knowledge that I would somehow become wildly successful without ever having to do anything difficult. Ever. Hey, look! I got a sweet job with little, to no effort. I didn't even have to apply. They found me on Monster. I didn't need any specific background, and due to the youth of the company if I played my cards right I could be a total fucking success without actually ever having to try too hard or commit to anything. PERFECT! Not that I didn't work hard at that job, I totally did. But only at the stuff that I knew I was going to be good at: putting up numbers. I always did the most. Not the best. When project came around that actually required me to think outside of the box or use my brain I would pretty much shut down. I'd make a serious face, shake my head and go to the snack room for some coffee. What if my idea was bad? What if it didn't work? Here was my rationalization for that - "I'm the workhorse. Someone else can come up with the ideas."
Now, here I am, 27 years old and I'm not really good at anything simply because I was / am too scared to suck at anything for long enough to master it. Now I'm not saying that I was raised badly, that's not it at all. I'm also not saying it's too late for me. I'm still young. (Not as young as most of the dudes I try and date, but young all the same.) I'm just kind of excited that I've realized this. That sucking at something isn't all that bad. It's actually kind of fun to learn something new. Can you imagine? Just realizing this now? At 27? It's like being a kid again. I mean it's always going to be hard when I get to the point where my newly forming skill doesn't develop as fast as I want it to. That's currently happening with this marathon training. I'm about half-way in and I had a shitty run today. The FIRST thing I thought was "Oh well, I guess I'll just bail. I mean, I'm not a runner anyway. My boobs are too big." So that little voice inside me is always there, I don't think I can ever get it to go away. But I can choose to react to it differently. In this case I just have to keep calm and wake up tomorrow morning and put my fucking running sneakers on again. We'll see. Maybe I do bail. Then I'm a fucking asshole. AGAIN.
So at any rate, the title of this blog has taken on a different meaning for me. And it's actually kind of embarrassing that I felt that way at any point. More embarrassing? I probably always will. I'm still scared of looking dumb whilst sucking at stuff. I'm scared to learn because there's still that douchy person inside me that thinks that if I need to learn more stuff I'm not perfect and that means I'm a failure. For that reason I'm going to leave the title. As a reminder. Also, I don't actually know how to change it because I've never committed myself to getting good at using computers or this blog for that matter. Can somebody tell how to capitalize the first i??
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dirt in the Skirt, Jane. Dirt in the skirt.
So I was trying to think about what I would write in reference to Martha Jane's b-day. I was trying to think of whom Martha most reminds me. Who else is smart, funny, hardcore (not porn...I don't think. Woah, Jane. Woah.) good at everything, goddam fine-looking and has a style sensibility that won't quit? (Don't act like this is the first time I've ever hit on you.) And then it dawned on me, clear as a baseball one-piece skirt/shirt thingy wearing day: Dottie Mutha Flippin Hinson.
"Then there's pretty Dottie Henson, who plays like Gehrig, and looks like Garbo. Uh-uh, fellas, keep your mitts to yourself; she's married."
Then I got to thinking, who would play everyone else if I were casting the single greatest movie in cinematic history? Let the hijinx ensue:
Dottie: Martha Jane "You KNOW you're not going to try and hit no fucking pop-fly in my ballpark while I'm trying to eat this delicious cupcake"Armitage
Kit Keller: Savage (You totally swing at the high ones. And you kind of got traded / fired.)
Mae "All the Way" Mordabito: Bizzle, obviously. You talk about your bosoms more than anyone I know.
Doris Murphy: Yeah, I know you were all thinking it before I even started this fucking post. I'm Doris.
Casting Note: The roles of Mae and Doris can be played by either Bizzle or the author as they are basically the same person and stand for all the same things which include but are not limited to: "Everybody Wang Chung" Wednesdays, Chili Con Carne slip n' slides for all public schools, the prohibition of all non-alcoholic beverages after 4pm every 3rd week of the month, strawberry flavored milk and Cloris Leachman.
Bob Hinson: Uncle Graeme Bagg. Congrats, GB. Both on becoming an uncle AND coming back from the war to a hot woman's baseball league heroine. And on your sweet limp.
Jimmy Duggan: Sarah Sallee. Also played by Sarah Sallee: Febuary, March and Fauvism.
Marla Hooch: She's not in this version because she's ugly.
Walter Harvey: Robert Gordon "Careers and higher education are leading to the masculinization of women, with enormously dangerous consequences to the home, the children, and our country. When our boys come home from war, what kind of girls will they be coming home to? And now the most disgusting example of this sexual confusion: Mr. Walter Harvey of Harvey bars is presenting us with women's baseball. Right here in Chicago, young girls plucked from their families are gathered at Harvey Field, to see which one of them can be the most masculine. Mr. Harvey, like your candy bars, you're completely... nuts." Soffel.
Betty Spaghetti: Who else do you know that looks like spaghetti? Sorry about the whole "dead husband" thing, Mona Spaghetti.
Ernie Capadino: Yeeeeaaaaah Squilla. "Pickle-Tickle" is totally something you'd say / do.
Stillwell Angel: Ben Perper.
I think that's not even close to all of the characters, but my creative juices have dried up and I'm spent. (Ew. TWSS?) At any rate, happy birthday Auntie Jane. I hope the grass stains come out of your baseball bootie shorts and that the poor chick in the back of the bus finally learns to read because I know it pisses you off the hear her stuttering through the good part of that trashy novel.
All-American Girls Professional Baseball League Victory Song
Batter up! Hear that call! The time has come for one and all To play ball. We come from cities near and far. We've got Canadians (WOO), Irishmen and Swedes, We're all for one, we're one for all We're All-Americans! Each girl stands, her head so proudly high, Her motto 'Do or Die.' She's not the one to use or need an alibi. Our chaperones are not too soft, They're not too tough, Our managers are on the ball. We've got a president who really knows his stuff, We're all for one, we're one for all, We're All-Americans!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
A Music Video
Dear Tony & Paul,
Just to reiterate, if you ever cast a music video without involving me again, I'll cut your fucking hearts out in front of your girlfriends and various pets.
Kisses.
-Moi
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