Bravery: Cruella, Kate and Nicole (If you're easily offended...fuck off.)

I've been thinking about writing a post about weight issues and images in the media for a while now, but haven't been sober enough to come up with any coherent thought in a while.

One of my first idols was Cruella Deville. She was really skinny, and she wore a huge fur coat. I knew that she was probably way too busy hunting dalmation puppies and smoking butts to eat every meal and that seemed so cool to me. I was always a tubby little fuck, so to see her dress hanging off her gaunt frame made me want to work hard to lose any and all extra lbs. I actually haven't changed. At all. In the last 20 years. (Awesome.) I still think it's cool to be skinny. That's why i'm particularly struck by the strength, bravery and fortitude of two young women in the media today.

I'm pretty sick of the way the media is harshing on the proverbial mellow of people like Kate Bosworth and Nicole Ritchie. (Okay, I think "mellow" might always be proverbial as it's not an actual object. Oh well. I went to a commuter college.) Okay, sure, them bitches is mad skinny. Who cares? I think Nicole looks better tan and skinny with good hair than she did fat and drunk with pink dreadlocks. And Bosworth looked pretty dope in Blue Crush as boyish girls go, then she got herself so that she looked awesome in couture. Again, who fucking cares? These girls felt a pressure to be a certain way so they dedicated themselves to a goal. How is that bad? I've been trying to get anorexic for like 16 years. That shit is hard! You get hungry! I'm proud of them. And you know what? They are helping our society. In a world where people don't have enough to eat, we should thank people like Kate and Nicole who are leaving more resources for the less fourtunate. I used to hate it when my mom would use the rationale: "There are starving children in Ethiopia." to get me to eat my dinner. I would always think to myself "What the fuck are you going to do, Mom? Package up this leg of boiled chicken and mail it over to Addis Abad
c /o Skinny Black Children?" (Yes, i thought "fuck". I don't lie. Stop looking at me like that.)

Back to the societal pressure thing. One might say that it's a negative thing that our society puts pressure on women to be really skinny. One might say it's unhealthy, and that we should all just be happy the way we are. Well i'm a fucking alcoholic. Is that okay? Bad example. What about the pressure that is placed on people to be doctors or lawyers and the devote their whole being and existence to that effort. They may not be healthy in mind spirit or body, but because the end product is considered prestegious nobody writes any US Weekly articles about it. I don't think fat people should be praised for being "just who they are". Fat is unhealthy. The human body was not made to hold up a whole lot of weight. People weren't meant to sit on their asses all day and eat Wendy's. You slobs aren't being who you are, you're being lazy. Work out. Eat less. Look to Bosworth. She's dumb as hair, and she managed to work it out. (Jokes, Kate. You're my girl.)

So i say "you go girls". Blow your coke. Eat your cotton balls. Do what you've got to do to get to where you want to be. I think MTV should do a Made show about Anorexia. I'd be first in line. If i wasn't so damn old.

Glossary of Terms

Spice: n, v, adj:

• n. something that adds flavor. See also Spicy.
• v. to spice. To engage in an amorous encounter, usu. (hopefully) without emotional attachment.
• adj. spice / spicy. The predecessor to the Paris Hilton catch phrase "That's hot" but way more nuanced. Spice refers to anything cool, interesting, sexy, intelligent, controversial, and will be used by someone who is too drunk to think up anything more eloquent.
  

Schoolie: n.:

• n. Literally "a school aged person". The meaning of this word is derived from the practice of pursuing those that are much younger that oneself. See also Schoolie Stalk. Originally it referred to recent college graduates going after those in their teens. More recently it has evolved to also encompass almost 30 year olds going after late teen / 20-somethings. See ie eg Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused . "I keep getting older, and they stay the same age."

Jag: n, v, adj.:

• n. A party or celebration of epic proportion usu. without any floor for classlessness. Often schoolies are stalked at the jag with every intention of spicing them. See also Jagger.
• v. to jag. To drink without regard for societal norms or conventions. Jagging is usu. done in the company of other jaggers, who have a similar taste for strong spirits.
• adj. On the jag. Engaging in a consecutive series of jags, resulting in a perpetual state of drunkeness. Only the hardcore jagger can truly be on the jag, and other more novice will aspire to such said level of jag.
  

9,489.....9,490!

Today is my 26th birthday.

I'm finding 26 to be sort of a tough age. Yesterday somebody asked me how old i was, and the shock and awe that registered on their face when i answered was a surprise to me. That was until i looked around me and realized i had beer on the front of my shirt from my most recent keg stand, and my cell phone was ringing to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend".

Okay, so i don't necessarily "act my age", but as someone with a penchant for stalking schoolies, i've always been of the mind that age ain't nothing but a number. I don't FEEL like i'm 26. i still have dreams of being a professional figure skater or possibly winning a gold medal in the pommel horse one day. Clearly the only reason neither of those things is going to happen is because of my advanced age. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm built like a duck-billed platypus and i have the coordination of a can of baked beans.

26 is four years from 30. 30 is 10 years from 40. Then i'm pretty much dead.

So i guess i'm starting to understand the idea that life is short. However if the space time continuum seems to have shifted to shorten months and years, why the FUCK does the work day still seem like it's 1,000,000 hours long???