Bravery: Cruella, Kate and Nicole (If you're easily offended...fuck off.)

I've been thinking about writing a post about weight issues and images in the media for a while now, but haven't been sober enough to come up with any coherent thought in a while.

One of my first idols was Cruella Deville. She was really skinny, and she wore a huge fur coat. I knew that she was probably way too busy hunting dalmation puppies and smoking butts to eat every meal and that seemed so cool to me. I was always a tubby little fuck, so to see her dress hanging off her gaunt frame made me want to work hard to lose any and all extra lbs. I actually haven't changed. At all. In the last 20 years. (Awesome.) I still think it's cool to be skinny. That's why i'm particularly struck by the strength, bravery and fortitude of two young women in the media today.

I'm pretty sick of the way the media is harshing on the proverbial mellow of people like Kate Bosworth and Nicole Ritchie. (Okay, I think "mellow" might always be proverbial as it's not an actual object. Oh well. I went to a commuter college.) Okay, sure, them bitches is mad skinny. Who cares? I think Nicole looks better tan and skinny with good hair than she did fat and drunk with pink dreadlocks. And Bosworth looked pretty dope in Blue Crush as boyish girls go, then she got herself so that she looked awesome in couture. Again, who fucking cares? These girls felt a pressure to be a certain way so they dedicated themselves to a goal. How is that bad? I've been trying to get anorexic for like 16 years. That shit is hard! You get hungry! I'm proud of them. And you know what? They are helping our society. In a world where people don't have enough to eat, we should thank people like Kate and Nicole who are leaving more resources for the less fourtunate. I used to hate it when my mom would use the rationale: "There are starving children in Ethiopia." to get me to eat my dinner. I would always think to myself "What the fuck are you going to do, Mom? Package up this leg of boiled chicken and mail it over to Addis Abad
c /o Skinny Black Children?" (Yes, i thought "fuck". I don't lie. Stop looking at me like that.)

Back to the societal pressure thing. One might say that it's a negative thing that our society puts pressure on women to be really skinny. One might say it's unhealthy, and that we should all just be happy the way we are. Well i'm a fucking alcoholic. Is that okay? Bad example. What about the pressure that is placed on people to be doctors or lawyers and the devote their whole being and existence to that effort. They may not be healthy in mind spirit or body, but because the end product is considered prestegious nobody writes any US Weekly articles about it. I don't think fat people should be praised for being "just who they are". Fat is unhealthy. The human body was not made to hold up a whole lot of weight. People weren't meant to sit on their asses all day and eat Wendy's. You slobs aren't being who you are, you're being lazy. Work out. Eat less. Look to Bosworth. She's dumb as hair, and she managed to work it out. (Jokes, Kate. You're my girl.)

So i say "you go girls". Blow your coke. Eat your cotton balls. Do what you've got to do to get to where you want to be. I think MTV should do a Made show about Anorexia. I'd be first in line. If i wasn't so damn old.

Glossary of Terms

Spice: n, v, adj:

• n. something that adds flavor. See also Spicy.
• v. to spice. To engage in an amorous encounter, usu. (hopefully) without emotional attachment.
• adj. spice / spicy. The predecessor to the Paris Hilton catch phrase "That's hot" but way more nuanced. Spice refers to anything cool, interesting, sexy, intelligent, controversial, and will be used by someone who is too drunk to think up anything more eloquent.
  

Schoolie: n.:

• n. Literally "a school aged person". The meaning of this word is derived from the practice of pursuing those that are much younger that oneself. See also Schoolie Stalk. Originally it referred to recent college graduates going after those in their teens. More recently it has evolved to also encompass almost 30 year olds going after late teen / 20-somethings. See ie eg Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused . "I keep getting older, and they stay the same age."

Jag: n, v, adj.:

• n. A party or celebration of epic proportion usu. without any floor for classlessness. Often schoolies are stalked at the jag with every intention of spicing them. See also Jagger.
• v. to jag. To drink without regard for societal norms or conventions. Jagging is usu. done in the company of other jaggers, who have a similar taste for strong spirits.
• adj. On the jag. Engaging in a consecutive series of jags, resulting in a perpetual state of drunkeness. Only the hardcore jagger can truly be on the jag, and other more novice will aspire to such said level of jag.
  

9,489.....9,490!

Today is my 26th birthday.

I'm finding 26 to be sort of a tough age. Yesterday somebody asked me how old i was, and the shock and awe that registered on their face when i answered was a surprise to me. That was until i looked around me and realized i had beer on the front of my shirt from my most recent keg stand, and my cell phone was ringing to the tune of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend".

Okay, so i don't necessarily "act my age", but as someone with a penchant for stalking schoolies, i've always been of the mind that age ain't nothing but a number. I don't FEEL like i'm 26. i still have dreams of being a professional figure skater or possibly winning a gold medal in the pommel horse one day. Clearly the only reason neither of those things is going to happen is because of my advanced age. It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm built like a duck-billed platypus and i have the coordination of a can of baked beans.

26 is four years from 30. 30 is 10 years from 40. Then i'm pretty much dead.

So i guess i'm starting to understand the idea that life is short. However if the space time continuum seems to have shifted to shorten months and years, why the FUCK does the work day still seem like it's 1,000,000 hours long???

Dishes and Chunks: On Ineptitude

There are certain people in this world that avoid responsibility by feigning ineptitude. I've done it. I think you all have too, at some point or another. It's a pretty neat trick and will work if you surround yourself by the smart, capable and egotistical. If you pretend you can't do something as well as someone else, there's always some eager beaver that will throw themselves at the particular task, thus absolving you of responsibility. The uber-talented bullshit artist can even spin this to make themselves look better. When questioned about why they couldn't complete the assignment, they retort that it's not every employee that has the self-awareness to realize what they can and cannot do. This person has simply realized that on that particular subject another person would have been more capable, and it was for the benefit of the project and in turn the company thay someone else work in it. Is it not true that the great leaders realize where their strengths and weaknesses lie, and seek to surround themselves with people that can fill in their gaps? This is exaclty what the feigner has done. As i've mentioned before, most people are too wrapped up in their own bullshit to care who gets anything done, as long as the still look good. This excuse can get the feigner pretty far up the corporate ladder, although upon closer inspection they have done absolutely nothing at all.
Now to balance out the corporate feigner, we also have the corporate martyr. This person picks up the slack when the feigner is feigning. This person will gladly be accountable for all projects that come their way, regardless of their work level or aptitude. They never complain, and pretend that they are ashamed when lauded for their hard work and follow-through. This is simply another form of pretense, because in fact it is the compliments and gratitude that get them out of bed in the morning and if anybody forgets about how hard the work they'll find myriad ways to indirectly remind everyone within shooting distance. The martyrs are the mitochondrial work horses of the company, and are the reason anything gets done at all. They all burn out after three years and end up sitting in dark basements writing out lists of the feigner's name while fondling their assault rifles.
At times in my life i've been both a feigner and a martyr. We all have. But there was one particular instance in my life that caused me to think twice about pretending to suck at stuff, and as usual this lesson came from my shitty brother. He used to ask me to do the dishes. Being that i'm royalty in my own mind this request came as a full-frontal assault to all of my sensibilities. When he finally beat the shit out of me and forced me to do them, the job was half-assed at best. The next time it came to be my turn for dish duty, recalling the last episode. I would whine, "But Oak, look at what happened last time. I did such a bad job. There were chunks all over the dishes."
His response: "Fuck you. You're not going to get out of this by pretending you're bad at it. A drunken marmoset can do the fucking dishes. Take some responsiblity for yourself. Asshole."

In those exact words.

This post isn't about favoring either position. I could not care less what you do. I'm just observing shit everybody else already knows. Just more astutely.

Like how i'm trying to cover my ass for being self-indulgent about my blog? That's why i'm awesome.

Fruit Bats and Other Tales of Love

This is probably the first and last time you'll ever see me give a shit about whether a relationship works out or not, but i really want to see Pam and Tommy end up together in the end. These crazy kids have been through a whole lot together: from the kids, to the porno, to the illeged abuse, to the Hep C (or Hep B, i'm not sure which they have, but it's something they share.)
Pam Anderson is one of my favorite celebrities because she's unabashedly fake, and doesn't pretend otherwise. When i somehow manage to make enough money to afford all the plastic surgery i want i'm just going to bring Pammy's pic into the doctor's office and say "Let's do this thing." Also, she wrote a reoccurring article in Jane Magazine for a while that i rather enjoyed. This was before i realized that Jane is a magazine for hipster chicks that are pretending they're not lesbians and for rich chicks that like to buy wicked expensive clothes with holes and stains on them in order to pretend they're hister chicks that are pretending they're not lesbian. BUT I DIGRESS... I realize that Pam's article was most likely penned by one of the lesbos on staff at Jane, but i really liked her moxy.
Tommy is one of those guys that's so ugly he's actually really fucking hot. I really can't put my finger on what makes him so attractive. I've always really like tattoos. And he seems like he drinks a lot, which has always appealed to this genteel lady. I also think it might be that deep down he seems like the type of guy that just got all wrapped up in this big rock and roll life, and doesn't really know how it all happened.

Awesome. I think drug/drink-addled morons are hot. My mom is sitting in her room at the asylum clapping her hands wildly , and she's not really sure why. (Note: This opinion of Tommy i have created from what i saw of their short-lived reality series. I CLEARLY have no fucking idea what he's like. He's just hot. Same holds true for Pam. They're probably both total assholes.)

At any rate i hope these two eventually realize that they're made for each other and live in a huge house in Malibu with their nipple piercings and their big floppy hats. Also, this is probably the best plan to prevent the further spread of Hep C (or B). Also, from what i've heard of T. Lee's proportions Pam's most likely ruined for other men forever anyway. (Yeah, gross, whatever. You've all thought it.) Especially that weenie Kid Rock. I submit he's hung like a fruit bat. That just got out of a cold pool.

More to the Point

[10:19] anabell11@hotmail.com: also, i'm totally wearing a white skirt before memorial day
[10:19] anabell11@hotmail.com: HAHA
[10:19] anabell11@hotmail.com: SUCK IT BITCHES
[10:21] LizHall349: i wear white pants like every day
[10:21] anabell11@hotmail.com: that's cause we are above the law
[10:22] LizHall349: um
[10:22] LizHall349: that self doubt comic?
[10:22] LizHall349: genius
[10:22] anabell11@hotmail.com: hilarious.
[10:23] anabell11@hotmail.com: "T-Rex rules the schools! I cannot stress this enough!"
[10:23] LizHall349: hshs
[10:23] LizHall349: haha
[10:23] anabell11@hotmail.com: i think you should start responding to things as hshs instead of haha
[10:24] LizHall349: me too
[10:24] anabell11@hotmail.com: you'll confuse people as to whether you are laughing with them or hissing at their idiocy
[10:24] LizHall349: thats more how i laugh
[10:26] anabell11@hotmail.com: http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=577
[10:26] anabell11@hotmail.com: on top of all the other ways this comic has changed my vocabulary for the better, i am now going to replace "I think" with "I submit" in all contexts
[11:03] LizHall349: YES
[11:15] anabell11@hotmail.com: ugh, i am SO BORED and it's only 11:18
[11:15] LizHall349: ME TOO
[11:15] LizHall349: getting to work really early totally blows

Did You Just Eat a Blossom?

An Ode to Bob
Casual Fridays begin the weekend,
tremulous gossamer strains El Scorcho.
Crushing with fanatical persistence,
tousled hair brought to you by after shower nap.
To begin a day without "Hey Bob" brings tears to bloodshot eyes.
Foot on table for all to see, demostrating Zeus-like balance.
Though not Canadian by birth, sentences end in a upswing,
mirrors my spirit upon his arrival.
Shirts as textured as the streets of Pittsburgh.
Buttons of opal.
Robert Soffel.
Woah.

I'm really Self-Absorbed (I Love My Life)

This is going to be a rambling, self-indulgent, unfunny post. I'm working on the format of this shit. Give me a fucking break.

I love my life. That's a pretty annoying thing to say, right? It makes you pissed and uncomfortable? Makes you kind of hate me? It makes you think about why you're always sitting around, complaining about you're boring, hum-drum, do-nothing life, right? What is this uppity little bitch doing that makes her life so awesome? Well I'll tell you: nothing. I've done nothing. I'm way too young and inneffectual to have done anything of any worth. I'm pretty much free of any sort of real responsibility, and I have almost nothing in my life that would cause me to have to think very hard. Oh sure, I've got a job. My job is pretty standard as jobs go. I do stuff. During the week. There are computer monitors and excel sheets and Outlook invites. I get stressed out about work sometimes. But then i take a good look at what i do, and i realize something very important: Nothing fucking matters. (Yes, I realize i have used two colons in this post. I might even use another one. I'm okay with that. I'll ask for your courtesy in letting it slide.) What i do impacts the universe at large in no way, so it's virtually impossible to take myself seriously. I'll start to get down on myself because I'm worried I'm not doing a good job and everyone will realize it, but nobody is paying attention to me because they're so worried about keeping their proverbial asses out of their respective fires. So i just roll along. I've contructed a vertible shanty of a life for myself, and it could crumble at any moment. The history books will speak disapprovingly of my hubris. To steal a phrase from my brother, that shadow that's obscuring the sun is the other shoe. Like Ginuwine's next album, it's about to drop.

But fuck if i don't have fun. Fuck. Fuckfuck. Fuck.

What People Are Saying......

[13:37] jen_savage2001: liz is a genius

[11:49] anabell11@hotmail.com: you're wicked funny and an entertaining writer to read

[15:48] marthajane122000: L - ladylike
[15:48] marthajane122000: I - inspirational
[15:48] marthajane122000: Z - zesty
[15:48] marthajane122000: H - haberdashery
[15:48] marthajane122000: A - amorous
[15:49] marthajane122000: L - languid
[15:49] marthajane122000: L - lucious

"Liz Hall is the hero in all of us. She is a beacon in the dark night of ignorance. She stands when others kneel. She is a leader. A prophet. A friend. A human" - Anon.

" Liz is the go-to resource for so many different bars in the NY area. She really understands the tastes and needs of the drinker - both novice and veteran - and has helped me accelerate my black outs. She's an invaluable asset to anyone's social life." - Anon.

"I once saw an unseasoned colleague question Liz's faultlesness, and I cautioned that ill-advised seedling not to ever even feign to suggest that Liz Hall can be contended with. For if there is one thing I have learned in what I can only call the honor of knowing Liz, it is that Liz Hall is never, ever wrong. You do not sass the sass queen. " - Martha Armitage

Liz Hall is god... - Bairam Rizai

It's All About SEO

I work at a tech company.* At least there are tech people here. I mean people at my company say "tech" a lot. At any rate, my current vocation exposes me to those in the tech field. Hence, i think that i have more technology awareness than that of the average bear. One word that keeps popping up, like drunk me at the bar where the dude I stalk is hanging out with his girlfriend, is SEO. For you folks that aren't quite as tech-savvy as myself, that stands for "Search Engine Optimization". This is the process by which we try to get our site to return higher in search results on search engines like Google and Yahoo.** So AT ANY RATE, back to how this pertains to me. The name of the blog game is to get lots of people to sign up for your shit, right? So I says to myself, I says: "Self, let's come up with some hella good keywords." That way when people perform a search for any of the sick keywords i conjure up this neophyte blog will be one of the first results. So lets think about some words that people search often, and then let's make them bold and capitalized so the search engines can SEE them better:
FISTING
PARIS
LOHAN
PING PONG BALLS
GOLDEN SHOWER
CAMERON DIAZ
DIRTY SANCHEZ
JAQUE CHIRAC
ATTACK
IRAQ
PENILE

Methinks that should get me started. Google, prepare to meet your new Queen.

*Note: I'm not really sure what my company does. I have a drinking problem.
**Note: That might not really be what it is, but if anybody out there dares to correct me I will turn this car around and we won't go get ice cream again for like two weeks. I can't stand to be corrected.

So THIS is Blogging

It's pretty lame that I haven't started a blog until right now, as I clearly have many things to say that will eventually change the course of humanity. I guess in my first post I'll go ahead and explain what the title of this blog means.

I'm kind of a small person, mentally and emotionally speaking. My world is separated into four arenas.

1. Things that I can win
2. Things that I can't win
3. People I can be better than
4. People that I can't be better than

I classify virtually everything in the world into one of the these four types. If I can't win it, I don't do it. If i cant be better than someone I tend to avoid them.

Now you're probably thinking (if you're even reading this drivel) "This girl sounds really boring. Nice life." You're right. I'm pretty boring, in the most UNboring, witty and self-effacing sort of way.

And you've got to give it to me, I'm honest.

So pose this question to yourself "Why should I continue to read this blog?" I'll give you the answer to that question: potential. This blog has the potential to suck, and it has the potential to not suck. It even has the potential to be totally radical. You could either be signing up to read another bullshit blog where some generic 20-something writes stupid comments about famous people, or you could be getting on board a cultural phenomenon at its very quickening. To tell you the truth, i don't know which it's going to be. My enormous ego leads me to believe the latter, and as we have learned from the beginning of this diatribe, i don't do shit that i'm not awesome at so if it sucks, i'll just stop.

At any rate, stay tuned! Or don't. I don't really fucking care.

Just kidding, please like me.