Preppies. Wow.

I live in Martha's Vineyard. I won't get into why I haven't posted in more than a year. Nobody noticed. Except Jen. I love you Jen.
SOOO I live in (or on) Martha's Vineyard. I came here for a job, which is interesting considering I grew up on Cape Cod and never came here before two weeks ago. (For those of you that don't know, MV is an island off the coast of Cape Cod. Oh wait, Jen is the only one reading this. Jen, MV is and island off of Cape Cod.) The locals here call me a "recent transplant". I keep telling everyone they're real. Then we all get uncomfortable and I go home and cry into my pillow.
There are a lot of preppies here. I thought I knew what a preppy was. I went to boarding school. All those guys wore khakis and "bucks" and called each other by their last named and fantasized about sodomizing each other. I figured they were the true preppies. I had head rumors of the denizens of Martha's Vineyard. I have a ribbon belt with bass on it. I've stolen a flippy wallet from J. Crew. I figured with that wealth of knowledge and experience I knew exactly what was up with the people on this island. To say that I had any idea of preppiness from my days at boarding school is like saying that I am a marine biologist because I once looked into the toilet after I peed. (I always do. It's a sign if health when...whatever. Judge me if you will.)
This place is out of effing hand. You go to a game park in Kenya to taunt wild lions by hanging your younger siblings out of the door of the jeep until they cry so hard they poop their pants. You come to Martha's Vineyard to see preppies in their natural habitat. I realize now that the buck wearing sodomites in high school were either total preppy posers or they were scared to practice their true, undiluted preppy religion lest they be persecuted for their beliefs. I know how THAT is. I DO look at my pee, and it's intolerant jerks like YOU people that make me ashamed to talk about it.
I've never really thought about the meaning behind the term "preppy". If you have you're a huge douche bag. Wikipedia says "Preppy also spelled "preppie", is a chiefly North American adjective or noun traditionally used in relation to northeastern private university-preparatory schools, as well as those who attend some of America's prestigious private colleges and universities." I say poppycock. (Ha. I just said cock.) I think "Preppy" is short for "Prepared" because these people are fucking PREPARED! For what you might ask? Well I'll tell you in a roundabout, super confusing manner.
I'm sure the people of Martha's Vineyard don't go out onto their yachts every day. They're just humans, right? They lead normal lives. They have families and cars and other shit that makes someone appear normal. But what if they had to go out on a yacht at a moments notice? What if they were whisked up in a yachting plan with no forewarning whatsoever? Well, they would not be caught with their oddly colored pants down. Oh no. They would be ready. Armed to the teeth with all of the accoutrement required for an emergency day of yachting. Let's start from the bottom up, shall we? (Everybody now: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!)
Deck shoes. Those yacht decks are slippery! We should all wear shoes that are made of leather and don't really have a good tread on them, but someone once told us this was the appropriate footwear for yachting, they say! Wait! Make sure the laces aren't too long! Mother Buffy warned us with tales of little prepsters pitching over the side of our 100-footer after tripping on an errant lace. Just go ahead and tuck those suckers right inside. Who cares? It's not like you're wearing socks!
Shorts! Pale red, or even better PATCHWORK MADRAS! We like pale red because when the sun beats down on regular red this is the color it fades to so we're just preempting the harsh effects of mother nature. I submit the madras fabric came the famous marine disaster tale of the "Buffy III" out of Edgartown, MA. Old salts tell of the 2 harrowing hours that Jock Hippenpoof Von Waterdale IV spent with a Pepsi stain on his favorite pair of Nantucket Reds, and how he heroically saved his reputation and his snazzy ensemble by crafting a pair of shorts out of small square pieces of dinner napkins he got from his yacht maid. And thus a hectic style was born.
Next, and arguably the most iconic image of preppy style; the polo shirt. The polo shirt spans many style movements and can be seen anywhere from the front-butts of fat, old, tourist ladies to the fake-tanned biceps of the Gotti set of Strong Island, NY. However, what earmarks the preppy polo is the "popping" of the collar. Popping means to ignore the manufacturers pre-fabricated fold of the collar, and instead flip the collar up and away from the body. This, of course, serves the function of protecting the neck from the harmful UV rays of the sun. Thank goodness all the traders on Wall Street have that protection on casual Friday or we might see some serious irregularly edged moles on the St. Paul's class of 2003!! An additional element of sun protection is of course the hat, which is not complete without some embroidery announcing the wearer as a crew member of one the America's Cup boats. Gosh, where do they hold the America's Cup? Is the starting line the entire coast of Australia? It would sort of have to be because if all of these hats are to be believed there are a KAGILLION ex-crew members of the America's Cup.
These "prep"ared people have really got all of their proverbial bases covered. Footwear, thighwear, neck and head protection. What could they possibly be missing? Oh GOD! The retinas!! They must be protected as well! That's what sunglasses are for. But we're not just strolling around on land! We're yachting! Shit gets pretty messy on a yacht. What if the sunglasses are suddenly flung from the wearers face into the briny! Really? Do you REALLY think the preppy set would be unprepared for this eventuality? Hell NO they would NOT! Those sunglasses are held onto their ever-so-tan faces with FROGGIES!! Neon pieces of squishy fabric that not only clash with the baker's dozen of hues they are already wearing but make sure that no Ray Bans will be lost to Davey Jones' Locker this day! (Note: I might have made the name "Froggy" up. I can't find any evidence to back up my claim that this is what they are actually called. But neither could Copernicus.)
I can not pretend to be making a scholarly report on the full life cycle of the preppy. I know nothing of their behavior in the fall or winter. I know nothing of their mating habits (But who knows, I'm here all summer! Know what I'm saying? Huh? Right? No? Okay.) I only know what I have observed of the early summer preppy in their natural habitat, and from what I can see these folk are READY!! So in conclusion, preppies: I salute you. If the world is ever under alien attack, and our only means of escape is via yacht, the lives of every man, woman and child will depend on your preparedness to man aforementioned yacht. The rest of us will be slipping around on the desk, with faded red shorts, sunburned necks and we will be blind because our goddam sunglasses fell into the frigging ocean! I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you preppies are more then prepared to save the world.