Scrooge McD

Whadddup muthafuckezzz. I'm back. And BOY HOWDY do I have some tales of retardation. But not all at once. We musn't give ourselves a tummy ache. I'll start with my most recent feat of Corky-like strength and I Am Sam-esque genius. (What did you say? Oh right. Nobody said anything because nobody's actually reading this.)
I'm currently without emplyoment. Which for the most part I love. I mean, I ain't got shit to do. I sit around all day and hang out with the dog. Scratch that...I yell at the dog for EATING MY MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS I ONLY HAVE LIKE 3 PAIRS YOU PIECE OF SHIT. But at any rate, my day-to-day is pretty cool. Except when I have the fear. And all the loathing. I've been drinking a lot more lately and the fear has been having a return tour at all the major metropolitan areas of my brain. And also some of the smaller venues that they play just for the fans.
F & L can get you to think and, in turn, DO some pretty effed up stuff. It's like going to bed Padma Lakshima from Top Chef and waking up that white bitch Kim, from the Real Housewives of Atlanta. It's all highs and lows. I was on one such low last week and was having a knife fight in my noggin about my finances. Which are totally fucked, bee tee dub. We've all been unemployed at one point or another, and if I know my fanbase.....gulp. Cricket. If I know myself I know that when I'm jobless I'll often peruse Ye Olde Craig's List looking for that magical job that doesn't require me to change out of my lime green sweat pants but will have me raking in the dough hand over fist. Well wouldn't you know I found it. "WORK FROM HOME MAKE TONS OF OF MONEY! YOU WON'T HAVE TO SEE FUCKING ASSHOLES FROM YOUR OFFICE THAT YOU GOT DRUNK WITH AND SAID AWKWARD SHIT TO! DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CAREER PATH? OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER? THIS JOB IS FOR YOU!" If you think I didn't try and contact the folks that posted this job you are fucking retarded, because I TOTALLY DID! About 14 seconds after I contacted the listing I got an email back which outlined how I could sign up for this "job" with only a minimal, one-time fee and have access to the potential for LIMITLESS WEALTH! I totally pictured myself as Scrooge McDuck when he dives into his swimming pool filled with coin. (I've pondered this idea a lot and have come to the conclusion that diving into pool full of coins would fucking kill. But Scrooge McD looks pretty dope in his bathing costume and thus it remains in my fantasy pile.)
I think you can pretty much see how the rest of this story goes, but maybe not because I doubt any of you have been STUUUPID enough to even click on one of these postings on Craig's List LET ALONE go to the site LET ALONE pay the $39.95 one-time, minimal sign up fee. But who's got 2 thumbs and is a total fucking shit show when she feels insecure about her life? DIS GUUYYYY!!!! I did it. I signed up and I paid. The fee allows you access to this database of surveys that you can fill out and get paid for your participation. I figured this would be a good plan for me because at one time in my life I was fucking phenomenal at doing a shit load of data entry type work wicked fast, albeit with very poor quality. I figured I could bang out a couple of dozen surveys a week and I'd be snorkeling with the guy who made the Girls Gone Wild videos by Thanksgiving. This, sadly, was not to be. As it turns out you have to qualify for the survey, and I guess when you lie about everything on the screening questions you don't really qualify for that many surveys. Who would have thunk? Also, a lot of the surveys are actually just free trials for term health insurance and smoking cessation aids which you get paid to sign up for. Fuck that. If I wanted to get all fucked up on some nicotine patches I'd get them the old fashioned way: hold up Duane Reade at gun point and steal them.
Signing up and paying for this shit is pretty dumb for the average bear. It's particularly retarded for someone such as mahself, considering my employment history. I actually worked for a company that required payment up front for using a database but made no guarantees that the database of shit that you just got access to would do dick all to advance your current status in life. I believe the term we used was "We give you all the tools..." the conclusion to that sentence is "we don't give a shit wether you use those tools to clamp your own nipples and fuck a goat as long as you pay us first." The website I signed up for made similar claims. They talked about how the most successful customers were the ones who signed up for the most surveys. (read: the people who gave the most traffic to the affiliates and get us paid.) They said that you only got out of the site what you put in. (read: you're not making money? That's your fault, shit brain.) I think I actually saw this coming a mile away, but in my f & l weaked state I needed a quick fix to my financial crisis and this site was just the $7 trillion bail out package my life needed. Good move, tard. So far I've made $6 taking surveys. I now see how these scam sites prey on the weak of mind and of life. Which is a good plan. This is why smart, unscrupulous people are rich and people with bad impluse control and no inheritance are poor. A fool and his money are soon parted? A black out drunk and her self-esteem are soon parted...with their money? How ever that saying goes. I now see that in order to actually make money you either have to do real work or something illegal.

So. In short, I have learned several things from this experience:

1.) I'm an asshole.
2.) Drinking makes me crazy.
3.) I will continue to drink, and act crazy until one of these hairbrained, cockamamie schemes actually works.
4.) I need to be less dorky and figure out something illegal to do.