Dirt in the Skirt, Jane. Dirt in the skirt.

So I was trying to think about what I would write in reference to Martha Jane's b-day. I was trying to think of whom Martha most reminds me. Who else is smart, funny, hardcore (not porn...I don't think. Woah, Jane. Woah.) good at everything, goddam fine-looking and has a style sensibility that won't quit? (Don't act like this is the first time I've ever hit on you.) And then it dawned on me, clear as a baseball one-piece skirt/shirt thingy wearing day: Dottie Mutha Flippin Hinson.

"Then there's pretty Dottie Henson, who plays like Gehrig, and looks like Garbo. Uh-uh, fellas, keep your mitts to yourself; she's married."

Then I got to thinking, who would play everyone else if I were casting the single greatest movie in cinematic history? Let the hijinx ensue:

Dottie: Martha Jane "You KNOW you're not going to try and hit no fucking pop-fly in my ballpark while I'm trying to eat this delicious cupcake"Armitage

Kit Keller: Savage (You totally swing at the high ones. And you kind of got traded / fired.)

Mae "All the Way" Mordabito: Bizzle, obviously. You talk about your bosoms more than anyone I know.

Doris Murphy: Yeah, I know you were all thinking it before I even started this fucking post. I'm Doris.

Casting Note: The roles of Mae and Doris can be played by either Bizzle or the author as they are basically the same person and stand for all the same things which include but are not limited to: "Everybody Wang Chung" Wednesdays, Chili Con Carne slip n' slides for all public schools, the prohibition of all non-alcoholic beverages after 4pm every 3rd week of the month, strawberry flavored milk and Cloris Leachman.

Bob Hinson: Uncle Graeme Bagg. Congrats, GB. Both on becoming an uncle AND coming back from the war to a hot woman's baseball league heroine. And on your sweet limp.

Jimmy Duggan: Sarah Sallee. Also played by Sarah Sallee: Febuary, March and Fauvism.

Marla Hooch: She's not in this version because she's ugly.

Walter Harvey: Robert Gordon "Careers and higher education are leading to the masculinization of women, with enormously dangerous consequences to the home, the children, and our country. When our boys come home from war, what kind of girls will they be coming home to? And now the most disgusting example of this sexual confusion: Mr. Walter Harvey of Harvey bars is presenting us with women's baseball. Right here in Chicago, young girls plucked from their families are gathered at Harvey Field, to see which one of them can be the most masculine. Mr. Harvey, like your candy bars, you're completely... nuts." Soffel.

Betty Spaghetti: Who else do you know that looks like spaghetti? Sorry about the whole "dead husband" thing, Mona Spaghetti.

Ernie Capadino: Yeeeeaaaaah Squilla. "Pickle-Tickle" is totally something you'd say / do.

Stillwell Angel: Ben Perper.

I think that's not even close to all of the characters, but my creative juices have dried up and I'm spent. (Ew. TWSS?) At any rate, happy birthday Auntie Jane. I hope the grass stains come out of your baseball bootie shorts and that the poor chick in the back of the bus finally learns to read because I know it pisses you off the hear her stuttering through the good part of that trashy novel.

All-American Girls Professional Baseball League Victory Song

Batter up! Hear that call! The time has come for one and all To play ball. We come from cities near and far. We've got Canadians (WOO), Irishmen and Swedes, We're all for one, we're one for all We're All-Americans! Each girl stands, her head so proudly high, Her motto 'Do or Die.' She's not the one to use or need an alibi. Our chaperones are not too soft, They're not too tough, Our managers are on the ball. We've got a president who really knows his stuff, We're all for one, we're one for all, We're All-Americans!