I've been thinking about the title of this blog a lot lately. In the past almost-year I've become a less violent and hateful towards most everything, so sometimes reading the word "destroy" on my own blog can give me a bit of a shock. Then I remember what I actually meant with the title. I was trying to say I don't do things I'm not good at for very long. The first post on this blog is about how if the blog "sucked" I'd stop posting. So then I got to thinking about the things that I'm really good at. The things that I "destroy". And I realize there really aren't that many. I'm good at working. I'm good at drinking. Not lately, but that's kind of like riding a wiggly, black-out bike. When I actually do commit myself to things I'm usually pretty good at them, but I haven't committed myself to very much so those things are few and far between. The reason I'm not good at anything is the title of this blog.
When I was growing up my intelligence was regarded much more highly than my work ethic. I actually have a superb work ethic (read: I'm a total fucking martyr) but that never mattered. I always thought that everything would just come really easily to me because I was smart. Whenever I was bad at something, or got a bad grade it was for some reason that I was always secretly proud. "My mind works faster than my mouth" - Why I spoke incredibly fast and had problems getting ideas across verbally. "I'm not good with details" - Why I would get As and Bs for content and F-s for punctuation, grammar and mechanics. "I work better under pressure" - my procrastination. The list goes on. I was always very willing to accept my faults as long I had this one ace in the hole, my intellect. Then I turned 12 and went to boarding school. That was no help either, because I got into almost every boarding school I applied to so OBVIOUSLY I was a genius. I realize after the fact that when you're one of two kids in a single parent household need-based scholarships and acceptance letters are pretty much par for the course. Basically, they needed to fill some poor kid quota. My grades were terrible in high school. I was on academic probation a lot. I always had to go to the library during study hall, because otherwise I'd sit in my dorm room and harass my roommate who was trying to get her shit done. She had realized the importance of hard work. She's a doctor now. My mom thought I was rebelling. I didn't think about it because my social life at the time was far more important to me than any fucking $20k education. I did get good grades in some classes, and those were the classes that I enjoyed. When I didn't like a class I just sucked at it or maybe I didn't like it because I sucked at it and didn't want to have to try.
That pattern held into my adult life. That little ego that had formed when I was young turned into a total fucking monster in and after college. I couldn't handle doing things that I was bad at because I was so terrified of being embarrassed and called out for my fraudulent genius. I loved Art History (read: was good at and didn't really have to try too hard) in high school and college, so I figured I'd get something in that field when I was done with school. I moved to NYC after graduation and half-assedly applied to some gallery and museum jobs. Then I went to an interview at a (non-art) company that told me I was going to be a super-star! It lined up perfectly with my secret knowledge that I would somehow become wildly successful without ever having to do anything difficult. Ever. Hey, look! I got a sweet job with little, to no effort. I didn't even have to apply. They found me on Monster. I didn't need any specific background, and due to the youth of the company if I played my cards right I could be a total fucking success without actually ever having to try too hard or commit to anything. PERFECT! Not that I didn't work hard at that job, I totally did. But only at the stuff that I knew I was going to be good at: putting up numbers. I always did the most. Not the best. When project came around that actually required me to think outside of the box or use my brain I would pretty much shut down. I'd make a serious face, shake my head and go to the snack room for some coffee. What if my idea was bad? What if it didn't work? Here was my rationalization for that - "I'm the workhorse. Someone else can come up with the ideas."
Now, here I am, 27 years old and I'm not really good at anything simply because I was / am too scared to suck at anything for long enough to master it. Now I'm not saying that I was raised badly, that's not it at all. I'm also not saying it's too late for me. I'm still young. (Not as young as most of the dudes I try and date, but young all the same.) I'm just kind of excited that I've realized this. That sucking at something isn't all that bad. It's actually kind of fun to learn something new. Can you imagine? Just realizing this now? At 27? It's like being a kid again. I mean it's always going to be hard when I get to the point where my newly forming skill doesn't develop as fast as I want it to. That's currently happening with this marathon training. I'm about half-way in and I had a shitty run today. The FIRST thing I thought was "Oh well, I guess I'll just bail. I mean, I'm not a runner anyway. My boobs are too big." So that little voice inside me is always there, I don't think I can ever get it to go away. But I can choose to react to it differently. In this case I just have to keep calm and wake up tomorrow morning and put my fucking running sneakers on again. We'll see. Maybe I do bail. Then I'm a fucking asshole. AGAIN.
So at any rate, the title of this blog has taken on a different meaning for me. And it's actually kind of embarrassing that I felt that way at any point. More embarrassing? I probably always will. I'm still scared of looking dumb whilst sucking at stuff. I'm scared to learn because there's still that douchy person inside me that thinks that if I need to learn more stuff I'm not perfect and that means I'm a failure. For that reason I'm going to leave the title. As a reminder. Also, I don't actually know how to change it because I've never committed myself to getting good at using computers or this blog for that matter. Can somebody tell how to capitalize the first i??
2 comments:
Most people don't realize this stuff until they're almost dead. But fuck most people anyway. Keep after is dude. Find more stuff to suck at!
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