CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL OF THE FIRING!!!

                                                           

3 of the best people in the world were recently fired from their jobs.  This leads me to believe one thing: the world is going to hell in a hand basket designed by Rue McClanahan.

  

Dear Economy, 

Stop being sluggish.  Your posture is terrible.  If you keep making that face it's going to stick that way.   

 

Love, 

Me

Getting fired from  your job fucking sucks.  It's one of the more embarrassing things that can happen.  Besides pooping your pants in public.  In the daytime.  And having boogers coming out of your nose after you get out of the water to talk to the guy you've had a crush on for like 11 years.  (Don't assume that either of these things happened to me.  You're very assump....tu....ous.  Fuck.) Wow.  Now that I listed those two things I realize getting fired isn't really even in the top 10 most embarrassing things.  What about falling down in public?  Or spilling water on your crotch so it makes you look like you peed?  Oh what about ass sweat stains?  Sex farts?  Neckne?  Gingerism?  Being Canadian?  At any rate and all of that aside, getting fired fucking sucks.  A LOT.  But it happens.  And then once the firing is over, you're left with something.  It's actually the lack of something.  It's the lack of a job.  It's the lack of a mothertrucking JOB.  You have NO JOB!!  HAHAHAHA!  SCORE!

Why has society turned the phrase "I have no job." into some sort of admission of failure or fault?  To my mind, that's a cry of victory.  You have arrived!  You aint got shit to do!  Or, more accurately, you have everything to do.  For a brief time in your life, pretty much anything could happen.  That's fucking SWEET. 

 This post will be a list of all of the things which can possibly be accomplished during a period of unemployment.  I'l begin with some examples of real achievements already banged out by this crack team of jobless wonders:

1. Two kickball championships, and a successful reverse sleeper choke hold on some dude that was going to beat up your good buddy Karl: Completed.  (All three of these things happened in one night.  Who does that?  WHY DID YOU GET ALL OF THE AWESOME GENES? I WANT TO BE THE WILLIAM WALLACE OF KICKBALL.  MOOOOMMMM!!!!)

2. One shower caddy dissassembling mission: Aborted.  (Mission aborted because of decreased fine motor skills due to 9am Red-Headed Slut shots.)

3. 9am Red-Headed Slut shots: Completed.

4. Mission to Martha's Vineyard: Completed.

5. NOT being the reason a passenger ferry became engulfed in flames, crashed into China and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.  (Nice job, Savage.  Way to look where you were going this time.): Priceless.  For everything else, there's American Express. 

6. MO with wicked hot baseball player:  Check.  

7. Daytime margarita crushing: Completed.  

8. Dance Party at random local bar: Check.  

9. MO with waiter: Aborted.  (I can't disclose the details of this mission as only those on the "Need to Know" list have that information, however it is this reporter's belief that the eyes of history will look fondly on the reasons this mission was not completed.  For further information contact jensavage@ifuckingrule.net)   

Wow.  Now that I look at that list, there's not too many more things these guys could possibly want to do.  The above list is pretty comprehensive.  

But let's give it a whirl, shall we?

Things to do whilst unemployed:  

1. Get a haircut that makes you look like you have a bony growths on your skull that could be the beginning of devil horns.

2. Give a haircut that makes someone look like they have a bony growths on their skull that could be the beginning of devil horns.

3. Whittle.  

4. Boat.

5. Spelunk.

6. Carabeen.

7. Belay. 

8.  Stage a live performance of an episode of The Hills.  Use a real couture dress for the scene when LC realizes she fucked up huge.  

9.  Learn to impersonate a D-list celebrity perfectly and use that ability to get laid by a moderately attractive person that you probably could have hooked up with even if you hadn't nailed the impersonation.

10.  Learn all the swear words from that sweet African click language, and hurl insults at strangers.  "CLICK$$#$%#CLICK#$ YOU!!"

11. Just one day, start drinking the MINUTE you wake up. 

12. Hang out with me and repeat 5,9, 10 and 11.  

13. Hire a camera guy to film you walking around being yourselves.  Fame and fortune will follow.

14. Hire me to be your Brian Gerard "Kato" Kaelin.  

I love you guys.  Congratulations.  GET TO WORK YOU CLICKING CLICKS!!