Know What's an Inconvenient Truth? The Environment is a Shitty Asshole.

I had a stressful period of 30 minutes about two hours ago and I blame the environment completely. Allow me to elaborate.
I was heading back to work after my 4 hour lunch break. As you guys know (I'm always tempted to use "y'all" when addressing hypothetical readers. Jen, if that ever happens please throw your computer at a picture of me. I'll buy you a new one. A picture of me, that is. Also, if I ever refer to you as "hypothetical readers" again please put the replacement picture of me in a pot of water with a pinch of salt, a little allspice, bring to a brisk boil and smash against the wall. You're my one and only.) I've been all thoughtful lately. On of the reasons for this may that I haven't been all vodkaful lately and thus am capable of stringing a couple of concepts together. (BIZZLE!! GET UP! Here, eat this gin popsicle. See? All better.) One of the things I've been thinking about is my carbon footprint. Having a big one makes me feel wicked fat so I'd like to try and reduce mine. I've been making an effort (as of this morning) to limit the number of plastic bags, bottle, shower caps, saran wrap bikinis, paper cups, paper towels, cartons, crack pipes, kitten pelts etc. I've been using. At one point in my life (yesterday) I was drinking coffee like a marathoner drinks water. I would take a sip and promptly throw the cup away. Right down the throat of a baby seal. I'd like to try and curb habits like that. I'm also trying to eat locally and organically. (That's a lie.) SO on my way back to work I stopped at a local farm stand to fashion myself a delicious salad from their salad bar. 4lbs., an entire tomato, a head of lettuce, 2 peppers and $10 later I paid and said "No thanks!" when the young lady asked me if I wanted a bag. Think globally, act locally, right! If not now, when! Out with the old, in with the new! In for a penny, in for a pound!! Skate to where the puck is going not to where it's been! What? Okay. I got into my gas-guzzling SUV and placed the salad on the dash board for safe-keeping. I figured it would be safe there (that's what Humpty Dumpty said about his egg-shaped ass after he drank a whole bag of wine and went to sit on that wall.) t-minus 4 seconds later the salad-sans-bag was on the floor of my car. Oh whelp. Fast forward past me cleaning up the mess on the floor of the car, scraping the salad back into the container from whence it came (dude, I'm still going to eat it. I'm a hungry environmentalist.) and pouring the really dirty bits onto the ground next to the car. What? I was composting. I wanted to grab a cup of coffee before heading back to work and my new-found environmentalism prompted me to invest in the $20 refillable coffee cup that I've been thinking about buying since I threw away the last $20 refillable coffee cup I bought. (I hate money.) Well it seems as though I was one of the only people that had such gusto for saving the environment because the Oksana Baiul looking chick who sold me the cup totally overfilled the thing and I spilled it all over myself when I went to put the 6 packets of Splenda that I use to totally remove all coffee flavor from the brown liquid that I use to replace love in my life. I lurched out the door of the place with the 3.5 lb. salad (.5lb was composting on the ground next to my car) and the enormous stainless steel coffee mug which was dripping molten fake-sugar all over my hand and stumbled down the street to work. Well I guess I wasn't too present in the moment as I was fantasizing about what I was going to wear to ceremony when I was awarded the Nobel Prize for Environmentalism and I crashed into a fence post and my $10 organolocal salad literally exploded like an atom bomb all over the sidewalk.

So here I was $10 poorer, with burns on my hands and mouth, owner of a stupid heavy cup and no salad. In conclusion, I say fuck the environment. I'm going UNvironment. Somebody give me a six-pack of beer so I can drink 1, throw the other five into the ocean, catch a turtle and lasso him with the rings.

Sorry, Wilmer Valderramma the Turtle. Collateral damage.