I'm also starting to realize (after my brother told me) that this blog reads like a big case of digital diarrhea. (We'll call it Blogarrhea. It's the word the New York Times will use in the review.) I'm not really one for "grammar" or "punctation" or "completed thoughts" or "appropriate use of words". I can imagine that it's kind of hard to read. Sorry. Have a cocktail. Should clear up that headache. I'm not fixing any of it.
I think what's currently happening in my life is this: the Universe and I are locked in a low-stakes game of "Truth or Dare". I used to suck at T or D when I was younger. I'm a total chicken shit and abhor nudity so that basically left me to take care of all of the prank calls. Which I did with gusto.
Dear Danielle LaBarre,
That was me that called your house and told you you should stop taking the steroids because it caused your bacne. Little did I know I was foreshadowing your career in female body building. Congrats on that.
Love,
I. Peefreely.
In my adult years I'm a little better at T or D. Better at D than T. I still don't know Truth from a hole in the wall, so I'll be taking some dares thanksverymuch.
Universe: Truth or Dare?
Me: Dare.
Universe: Ummmm. Okay...Let me think...shoot. OH! Got it!! I dare you to quit your job without having secured yourself another job and completely change your career path!!!
Me: Done and DONE!
Universe: Fuck. That was too easy. Okay, your turn.
Me: Truth or Dare.
Universe: Truth.
Me: UNIVERSSSEEE!! You're such a goddam PUSSY! Fine. Okay, when will my career as a Rhythmic Gymnast really take off? You're the one that dared me to change jobs.
Universe: Um, dude, like, never. You're way too old and you can't even do a cartwheel. Plus, that's not how you play. You're supposed to ask me something about myself. I'm not a fucking Oracle.
Me: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?? Shut up, Universe. I hate this game. MY TURN!! Dare.
Basically I'm always sitting around waiting for my next Dare from the Universe. Who's a big pussy and is always making me ask it Truths about itself. "Is there an Intelligent Creator? Do I have a mortal soul? Is Brad the father of the twins?"etc. LAME. I think my next Dare might have something to do with my plans for October and beyond. OOrrr lack thereof as the case may be.
My job is awesome, but it's seasonal. I'm officially unemployed as of Oct. 15th. Which kind of rules. Once again, I ain't got shit to do, but some weird part of my brain is nagging me to get my shit together and come up with a plan. (Oh, Hi Society. It's you. AGAIN. Sure, you can come over and hang out but my show is on at 9 so you really have to leave around then. I'm not trying to say you always overstay your welcome, but the thought has crossed my mind.)
Here's my list of possible options and the Pros and Cons of said options (in no particular order):
1. Seattle - I've kind of always wanted to live there. Also, I'm currently training for the Seattle Marathon so I feel like I'll be too tired to leave when it's over.
Pros: It's a cool city. I love the Pacific Northwest. I have a ton of family there. Gooey Ducks. The Experience Music Project. The plans for Whore Island West captained by the Arch Duchess of Whoredom ShaBOMB Galvin.
Cons: It's wicked Liberal. I don't actually know what that means but all the cars have tons of bumper stickers and I think the women wear really comfortable shoes. (Not you, Shabeezy. I know your tiny feet hurt all the time because of your dope footwear, except when you get so drunk that a fisherman has to carry you home from the bar.) Weather could potentially be pooey.
2. Boston - It's Home Base. I might want to live there for a couple of months to save up some dough and then do something rad in February.
Pros: Some of the best people I know live in or around Boston. It's comfortable. I'm pretty sure I have a waitressing job waiting for me there.
Cons: Housing is hard to come by. It's been done. I've lived there. I'm kind of looking for something new. I could very easily settle in and live there forever. Which isn't really what I'm looking for right now.
3. Martha's Vineyard - I could get a job here year round.
Pros: Free Housing.
Cons: Every time I tell someone I'm thinking about maybe staying here year round they pull a face and ask me if I'm single. When I reply in the affirmative the go "Oooohh, wow. It's REALLY hard to be single here in the winter. REALLY HARD." Now I didn't really know what that meant until I got Steve my computer guy to elaborate a little. He said, and I quote "There are bad men here in the winter. Bad men. Men that come here to escape from the real world. Don't live here in the winter. It's a bad idea." This leads me to imagine a winter filled with sexually deviant male zombies. (Is this really a Con?)
4. "Fuck if I Know" Plan - File for unemployment and figure it out from there.
Pros: Everything
Cons: Nothing
Universe: Okay, Truth or Dare?
Me: 'Verse. I fucking TOLD you. DARE.
Universe: You are the BITCHIEST drunk. Okay, fine. Close your eyes. Open up an atlas. Point to a spot on the page you opened up to. Move there. Figure it out.
Me: Woah. 'Verse. Toughie.
5 comments:
Truth: You have to work in a state for a certain period of time in order to draw unemployment. How long is this?
Dare: Teach Elena some Jiu Jitsu and then see what happens.
I enjoy your "Blogarrhea." Keep the vodka flowing, makes for a good read!
Goddam you Hiro. I didn't even know I was having a parade. How did you find it in order to rain upon it?
PS Did you know we were Irish?
I think Jeff Lewis from Bravo's Flipping Out needs a new house assistant.
Pro - For your birthday he'll commission a painting in your likeness.
Con - It will look like a gremlin birthed a troll wearing a french maid costume.
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